Mele Kalikimaka
Since the last post, I've probably written and edited a few dozen posts - of course, all in my mind. Some during the day, some while driving but most of them in the dark watches of the night as I sang "Baa Baa Black Sheep" or "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" for the millionth time while I rocked LB hoping she would fall back asleep and stay asleep for more than 30 minutes before randomly waking up again. This, then, is motherhood.
Speaking of motherhood, here are what I think are the major changes for me - what I've gained and what I've lost. Of course, there's the obvious I've-lost-the-happy-carefree-anything-goes-attitude-but-I've-gained-a-love-like-no-other. But I'm talking of personal changes beyond that - the somewhat unexpected.
What I've lost :
- 95% of my sense of humour ( yes, I will stick to the British spelling, thank you very much)
- My sense of perspective
- My almost life-long streak of never having seen what 3:30 AM looks like.
What I've gained :
- A giant helping of self-doubt
- A heaping mound of irritability and impatience
- The ability to achieve deep sleep for 4 mins in a 25 min segment
Honestly, I always had a nagging suspicion that I wouldn't make a great mom but I don't think I ever thought I'd be this appalling. Now, I know that sleep deprivation can make anyone turn grumpy and ill-tempered and that coupled with exhaustion can explain most anything. However, when you consider that my nemesis and the recipient of most of the above mentioned annoyance & frustration is a pudgy(she could be pudgier. Yes, I like my babies more to the right on the pudge spectrum), super cute, and mostly happy-tempered 8 month old, it really is awful. Also, a lot of moms seem to handle it a lot better than me. Which brings me to the main topic of this post. I've tried several strategies to improve my patience and avoid thinking/saying/doing things that I feel miserable about later and now I've come up with what I think is The One. It is called "What would R do? ". R, you see, is a co-worker who I know a little and with whom I have had a couple of conversations about motherhood. Based on this rich interaction, I've decided that R is the ideal mom. She is very loving, patient and attached. Human and real enough that she is struggling with the same issues as most of us clueless moms but resigned to and accepting of her current life/sleep situation. Yes, I managed to glean all of this in those two conversations. So here is the strategy. When it's 2 AM and LB has woken up for the 4th time in 2 hours, and my instinct is to get out of bed groggy and cross, muttering curses under my breath and attempt to soothe/cajole/plead/admonish/bully LB back into sleep as quickly as I can, I will stop and take a minute to think : "What would R do?". Cue - soft, emotional music, dim lighting, eyes brimming with love-and-tears, soft crooning. Basically love-and-patience-and-amiable-resignation in the air. I gave it a shot last night and it did seem to work. I'm sold.
And so to some exciting chores while LB naps.
Speaking of motherhood, here are what I think are the major changes for me - what I've gained and what I've lost. Of course, there's the obvious I've-lost-the-happy-carefree-anything-goes-attitude-but-I've-gained-a-love-like-no-other. But I'm talking of personal changes beyond that - the somewhat unexpected.
What I've lost :
- 95% of my sense of humour ( yes, I will stick to the British spelling, thank you very much)
- My sense of perspective
- My almost life-long streak of never having seen what 3:30 AM looks like.
What I've gained :
- A giant helping of self-doubt
- A heaping mound of irritability and impatience
- The ability to achieve deep sleep for 4 mins in a 25 min segment
Honestly, I always had a nagging suspicion that I wouldn't make a great mom but I don't think I ever thought I'd be this appalling. Now, I know that sleep deprivation can make anyone turn grumpy and ill-tempered and that coupled with exhaustion can explain most anything. However, when you consider that my nemesis and the recipient of most of the above mentioned annoyance & frustration is a pudgy(she could be pudgier. Yes, I like my babies more to the right on the pudge spectrum), super cute, and mostly happy-tempered 8 month old, it really is awful. Also, a lot of moms seem to handle it a lot better than me. Which brings me to the main topic of this post. I've tried several strategies to improve my patience and avoid thinking/saying/doing things that I feel miserable about later and now I've come up with what I think is The One. It is called "What would R do? ". R, you see, is a co-worker who I know a little and with whom I have had a couple of conversations about motherhood. Based on this rich interaction, I've decided that R is the ideal mom. She is very loving, patient and attached. Human and real enough that she is struggling with the same issues as most of us clueless moms but resigned to and accepting of her current life/sleep situation. Yes, I managed to glean all of this in those two conversations. So here is the strategy. When it's 2 AM and LB has woken up for the 4th time in 2 hours, and my instinct is to get out of bed groggy and cross, muttering curses under my breath and attempt to soothe/cajole/plead/admonish/bully LB back into sleep as quickly as I can, I will stop and take a minute to think : "What would R do?". Cue - soft, emotional music, dim lighting, eyes brimming with love-and-tears, soft crooning. Basically love-and-patience-and-amiable-resignation in the air. I gave it a shot last night and it did seem to work. I'm sold.
And so to some exciting chores while LB naps.
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