The Happy Gardener

 I think we are all icebergs. Only tiny portions of us are visible in all our social interactions and we live the vast majority of our lives in our minds. And that part that sticks out is such an incomplete picture. At least, that's how I feel. I have always lived more in books and stories, memories and daydreams, than in the real moments. My extended sabbatical from this blog didn't really achieve much ( you could argue that my presence here didn't achieve much either but that is neither here nor there). In fact, I deeply regret not recording some thoughts and notes here along the way. Especially because public notes are always happy or funny or silly. So now that I am finally getting back in touch with the gardener, and making my way to happy too, it's probably worth another start. And of course, what's a fresh start without fresh colors and a new theme. Green Guardians In your leaves, I mark my years In your shade, I walk my days In your breeze, I still my mind a...

 Sometimes the great furnaces of life and pressures of transformation forge mighty and powerful swords. Or gems of great beauty. Sometimes all you have to show for it is a pile of ash. Or a lump of coal. *And so it goes* * This phrase shamelessly copied from the great Kurt Vonnegut, because there is no other set of words that capture that particular sentiment better. All the water under all the bridges  has been rising : hushing my words  and drowning my thoughts, making me weightless  and stateless. Who cares what happened before? I am drifting away from the shore most things don't matter anymore.  

The sabbatical is over and C & I are back at work. (Well, we've been back for a week now - this is just a much delayed post). It was such a wonderful break. We got to travel across the globe, to the other hemisphere and see wonderful and wondrous sights. Beautiful, sublime, breathtaking, heart-aching, jaw-dropping, eye-filling, sigh-generating, smile-bringing, head-shaking and heart-stopping sights.  Over this time, I did a lot of things that I wanted and many that I didn't expect. I got to experience that happy state where you are glad you traveled and saw/did all the things you saw/did and yet, are happy to be heading back home. I got to be barefoot for 5 days on a remote island in the Pacific. I got to jump from a cable car with a rope tied to my feet and my heart in my mouth. I got to snorkel with dolphins. I spent an inordinate amount of time on my garden (and a corresponding amount of money). I never did paint, unless you count the coat of primer I painted on some of...

Untitled It's just at that time -   a little before dawn, before the day breaks in  full of thoughts and plans. As my mind begins to wake and remember its worries - things to do, things to accomplish all in a hurry. That's when I see you  out of that corner where the blanket meets the pillow - out of that window. I hear you breathe in the still of the room. Deep and reassuring, steady and soothing. So I let the moment linger close my eyes for a little longer and dwell on the wonder, the perfection, of being here.              finis It is the penultimate night of the year and I have come to this conclusion : that life needs to be lived feverishly, eagerly - without postponements and maybes and laters. Does not mean you should be chasing sunrise every night or killing yourself with tons of activities and plans but you should just be very involved with every moment - nothing dispassionate or perfunctory about ...

We are no great epic, you and I. We're the short story everyone knows - with little twists and a reasonably happy ever after. We are not a great poem - more a simple octet with a predictable rhyme and meter. The lake, not the ocean. The neighborhood woods, not the deep forest. But isn't there a beauty and comfort in all these - familiar and yet something new in every light and every season?

Now that the dust had settled and the haze cleared away, let's assess the damage. I've signed away my unaccountability along with my single status. In return, I now share a lovely home and two odd but devilishly cute cats with a fellow human being. I get a victim for a lifetime of kitchen experiments and someone who'll have to bear with me as I complain endlessly about some minute issue. Sounds like a good deal. I feel fairly confident about this partnership. It is based on a solid foundation of shared love for pjs and naps. Of complete disinterest in what the cool kids are doing. We are also compatible in our differences, mind you. Where I am incapable of handling makeup  (my attempts at smoky eyes is a funny story for later) or dressing fashionably, he lacks the ability to care for or notice such things. And where he is afflicted with a need to wake up early on weekends and charge through household chores with gusto, I am blessed with pretty thick skin and an ability...

The lightning came first. Then the thunder. It didn't scare her. It never did - especially when she could see the lightning first. She opened the window a little more. Here was the wind now. Some drops of rain in it but heavy with the promise of many more. Her eyes closed and she smiled slightly. That smell. That heady smell of rain and freshly sprinkled earth - most lovely of them all. She leaned out a little, breathing deeply and settled on the arm of her couch. The only other piece of furniture in the room was a table lamp sitting on the floor and casting a dim light about it. I should unpack but it'll have to wait. Her feet were tired from all the walking and standing in lines. Her neck was sore from all the driving around town. Moving is *so* much work. It was strange how everything happened so quickly towards the end. A few months ago, she was vacationing in her home town with her parents and suddenly she was back and her manager was telling her of her group being diss...

What is a girl to do? She is to do taxes, bills, clean up, car inspections and all the assorted administrative chores of everyday life. And manage to convince everyone, including herself that she is a productive and contributive member of the work force. All this while analyzing the world, her words and her actions and shopping for a comfortable and not-bad-looking jeans. It is a hard life. It was a strange sorta day. Nothing particularly joyous - in fact, in many ways it was more of the same. Loads of work to do, a realization that the time is never going to be enough, uncertainty over how to tackle issues at work while still managing to do all one wants to do. But somehow through all this, there was a strange Zen. A feeling of being just about whelmed - not overwhelmed in any fashion. And once I made it home and got through a mini workout which accidentally included some cardio - I blame it on the fun Bollywood playlist that I setup to go along with my fun with weights - there came o...

Today Today I don't keep my cool Today I offer no explanations and accept no excuses Today I don't see your point of view Today I expect your acceptance and demand perfection. Today it is not "whatever works for you" but "this is what I want". Today you are not better than me 'cause I frankly don't care. Today I am tired of the voice of reason and pay attention to my own voice. Today I forsake the world and save my soul. Today I don't apologize - for my books, my songs, my choices or my thoughts. Today I meet the stare of my reflection. Today I am okay.

A blog in 3 to 4 parts - snapshots of the weekend. We are bonded - bonded for life. We are different. Night and day with a million shades of gray. I bask in attention, especially yours and you stand back and smile. I jump for joy and sulk days away and you balance me out. You give me perspective. I am naive, eager to be pleased and give in to doubts. You weather the storms with solemn grit. You fear for my grace and I for your strength. Everything I learnt, I learnt from, with and around you. You laugh at my foolishness. I am foolish cause I am secure in the knowledge of your presence in my life. In everything I do. I stay a kid in your indulgent shade and I take you back to that carefree life with me. We will always be children. ~ It's amazing how a simple word, sight, sound or smell can trigger off a stream of memories. Like today, as I was in the car with C, I noticed that my lip balm had mango butter. And it smelled a little like it. Mango. Summers in In...

Have I used this title before? Will google blogger alert me if I did? This is becoming a common question. Maybe this is a sign that I blog too much. Oh well. I have been thinking about ambition lately. About what it means and what it means to me, in particular. I always believed that I wasn't very ambitious. I am only now finding out that that isn't really true. Sure, I might not be driven to assume powerful positions or rake in loads of money. Or become world famous. No, what I am after is broader, less measurable and yet far more tangible to me. Freedom and control. Freedom to work around my life and its' schedules and control over how I spend my time. A life that allows me to learn and grow, hopefully at work too. Learn and grow for the sake of learning and growth. A life where the everyday realities, practicalities and cynicism are well balanced by dreams and hopes realized. Where joy is a frequent visitor and laughter can be taken for granted every once in a while. Whe...

So, in a rare occurrence, I actually had decided what I wanted to write about this evening. The subject was going to be The Home Bell. But events have transpired since that caused me to change my mind. I shall, instead talk about The Tubing Effect. Ah, the agony. And the poignancy. Anyways, let's get started. So, growing up in India, we didn't have a 24 hour hot water supply as I am now used to. When I was very little, we had at home an Immersion Heater. What is an Immersion Heater, you ask? It is the most horrific device humanity has ever devised. It's basically this metal coil thing that you plug in to the power outlet and immerse in water that is in a bucket, preferably metal. Yes, you heard that right. Imagine the most dangerous device you could have at home. And then multiply it by 10. That is the Immersion Heater. Anyways, we had this at home. And I think my Mom and Dad, to ensure my safety, brainwashed me about this thing and put the fear of God, or Devil, whichever ...

I was a big black cloud today. I was boring, whiny, bad tempered and pessimistic. I tend to get like that some times. Ok, many times. Isn't it amazing though - how self involved we (fine, I) can get sometimes. Only looking at issues, at problems, at things-to-do and not at all the things that are just there in life or just happen to work quietly and without-a-hitch-edly so our life can go wonderfully on? And even when something extra-ordinary or extra nice happens, how quickly do we get used to that and take it for granted? We need windows. We need pauses. We need showers. We need windows to see outside. To watch the rain. To watch real life - not the one that is playing in our head - the crazy one that is trying to catch, plan and analyze the next moment and moments while we blatantly ignore the current one. To watch trees and clouds and the skies. To watch people hurrying down the street. And to wonder. About all those lives and thoughts. And what we truly want and are. 'Tis...

144th post. 12 squared. That was the first thought in my head when I logged in and saw the number on the post. I'll make Dad proud yet. Recipe for a wonderful night's sleep. Get by for a week with your sleep tank running low, get through 4 days of a long week, drag your sorry, tired, old, currently-extremely-unfit self through 4 miles of running (on the pretext of checking out the neighborhood Fall colors), drive above-mentioned sorrier, tireder, older, currently-extremely-unfit self home over the span of 50 mins, take a longer shower than usual, and eat a hearty dinner. Now let's see who wins the snooze battle! Multiple topics exist. But I shall pick a random post : something I had written a month or more ago. We dream. We dream of fantastic settings and adventurous acts. Of places far away in space or circumstance. We dream of situations outside our comfort zone. And once in a while, we are lucky to be able to live the dream. Lucky to get the opportunity and to be brave ...

I apparently wrote this post up a while ago and didn't publish it for some reason. So I turned a year older a few days ago. Now, that doesn't sound right. How does one turn a whole year older over one day? It happens over the span of the whole year. I guess I could say that I celebrated being around for another year. Finished another orbit around the sun - now, that sounds cool! This was a big one too. And as can be imagined, over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking of the past year(s) and all the people involved. Every time I do, I am filled with gratefulness and amazement. It is a crazy, complicated and often ruthless world out there. And to raise someone, especially someone kinda slow on the uptake and remarkably unremarkable like me to be happy, decently well adjusted, comfortable and confident in life is a tremendous achievement. So here, I want to raise a ... ummm 3/4th empty bottle of OJ to the A-Team - my family, friends, teachers, colleagues, neighbors, acq...

A couple of days ago, I forgot my wallet at work. I discovered this, thankfully, after a very long, traffic-ridden, but otherwise uneventful 35 mile drive back home. And then I discovered how absolutely stuck I was. I couldn't do groceries. I couldn't go out to eat. Hypothetically, if I needed to, I couldn't get gas (for my car, people). I couldn't do any of these 'cause I didn't have any serious money at home. I couldn't withdraw any money 'cause I didn't have any plastic at home either. Also, hypothetically, if I were to go out with friends and someone offered to order some Sangria for me, I wouldn't be able to drink that either, 'cause my ID was also in my wallet. No can do. Anyways, it all ended well with me gaining possession of the said wallet pretty efficiently the next day but this did bring up a discussion with a friend today as to how would I be able to withdraw any money from anywhere if I didn't have my cards or my license on ...

I am sitting on my couch (tangent : Much to my distress and dismay, I recently found out that the piece of furniture I've owned for more than 4 years now is a loveseat and not a couch(!) How I could have owned a loveseat for 4+ years is beyond me. It probably has something to do with His sense of irony. Anyhoo, I choose to ignore this fact and still call it my couch. Come on. Seriously, how can I ever frame a serious sentence with "I am sitting on my loveseat ..." ?? : end of tangent) after a late dinner - perfectly happy with life, people and the world at large. The late dinner was preceded by a late run. I had a super long drive back home this evening but since then, things improved significantly. AJ unexpectedly joined me on my run - I don't usually run with a buddy 'cause I am much better off with my ipod or my own thoughts but this turned out to be quite fun. We managed to run ~ 6 miles and had a very pleasant conversation as we most often do. And now the b...

Most everything in this wondrous world can be explained by evolution. But there are times when one just cannot deny the presence of some higher power, some One above it all. In fact, I think I have irrefutable proof for the existence of such a power. So last Friday I traveled from Portland, OR to Boston in the longest possible route. This also included a red eye flight. During this flight, I exchanged my aisle seat for a middle seat so that a Dad could sit next to his wife and 5-6 year old daughter. I didn't sleep a wink in the flight and had been tired when I boarded the flight. Through that long sleepless night, I kept thinking about that nice warm shower in my own bath (I had been away from home for 2 weeks at that point and I was really looking forward to being back in my own place) and that thought kept me strong. When the flight landed, I got out, got my baggage, hurried to the taxi stand and got a cab home as quickly as I could. As soon as the elevator reached my floor, I ch...

I really should be working right now. But it's been a beautiful weekend and there's still a few hours of a graceful Sunday left and I am in my balcony and things are just so in place. So I shall, instead, post this piece that I started a few evenings ago, after returning from a nice jog around the river. I am happily committed. To Boston. And by Boston, I don't snootily mean only that tiny city on the "right" side of the river. I mean Boston and the surrounding areas - everything that I associate with when I use the name "Boston" in the context of my life. It's an arranged marriage, of course. It wasn't like I fell in love at first sight. Or that I liked it more and more every time I saw it and counted days for our next meeting until I couldn't stay apart any more and had to move here. No, nothing so romantic. In fact, it was a marriage of convenience. I had a job here. It offered security and contentment - a completely materialistic decisio...

Back from a happy trip to MI. Got to see the Big O address a bunch of graduating students - the man is a good speaker. Another of those things that I never thought would be a part of my life - watching one of the "President of the Free World"'s address in person. Life is truly an incredible, wondrous thing. Came back to a very good day in Boston. It was one of those days where you don't want to go to sleep and just stay up to drink up the day before it's gone. Also, reminded me that this is part of my 500 days of summer. What is 500 days of summer? Other than a well-made, interesting, indie movie, it is the name of my new phase. What does it entail/involve? We(the royal we) are not sure yet. But it involves openness, adventure and a general state of well-being. And also punting work during the fin de semana and making the most of every day in general, I guess. And before I close on this rather blah post, a simple yet powerful statement by Zainab Salbi, founder of ...