The Happy Gardener

 I think we are all icebergs. Only tiny portions of us are visible in all our social interactions and we live the vast majority of our lives in our minds. And that part that sticks out is such an incomplete picture. At least, that's how I feel. I have always lived more in books and stories, memories and daydreams, than in the real moments. My extended sabbatical from this blog didn't really achieve much ( you could argue that my presence here didn't achieve much either but that is neither here nor there). In fact, I deeply regret not recording some thoughts and notes here along the way. Especially because public notes are always happy or funny or silly. So now that I am finally getting back in touch with the gardener, and making my way to happy too, it's probably worth another start. And of course, what's a fresh start without fresh colors and a new theme. Green Guardians In your leaves, I mark my years In your shade, I walk my days In your breeze, I still my mind a...

 Sometimes the great furnaces of life and pressures of transformation forge mighty and powerful swords. Or gems of great beauty. Sometimes all you have to show for it is a pile of ash. Or a lump of coal. *And so it goes* * This phrase shamelessly copied from the great Kurt Vonnegut, because there is no other set of words that capture that particular sentiment better. All the water under all the bridges  has been rising : hushing my words  and drowning my thoughts, making me weightless  and stateless. Who cares what happened before? I am drifting away from the shore most things don't matter anymore.  

It's that time - a new year: new beginnings, resolutions, changes, renewed hope and all that good stuff. And I'm in a mood for a fresh start as well. But for the phoenix to rise, there must be ashes and dust. Burn, baby, burn. Then again, all things - good, bad & mediocre must come to an end. Or to a pause, at least.  So it's time for a little sabbatical (let's call it that for now) for this blog. I won't flatter myself that I will be missed. After all, I've posted less than 200 posts in the past 8 years. That is less than 2 posts a month. But still, to all of you who stumbled upon this place by accident or loyally checked in after every post & left comments or were somewhere in between, I sincerely thank you. Even though my intent was not to build a following, words, in the end, are meant to be read. Thoughts that are voiced are meant to be heard. But now, my friends, it's time for some sound silence. I wish you all - merry adventures and peace...

Since the last post, I've probably written and edited a few dozen posts - of course, all in my mind. Some during the day, some while driving but most of them in the dark watches of the night as I sang "Baa Baa Black Sheep" or "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" for the millionth time while I rocked LB hoping she would fall back asleep and stay asleep for more than 30 minutes before randomly waking up again. This, then, is motherhood. Speaking of motherhood, here are what I think are the major changes for me - what I've gained and what I've lost. Of course, there's the obvious I've-lost-the-happy-carefree-anything-goes-attitude-but-I've-gained-a-love-like-no-other. But I'm talking of personal changes beyond that - the somewhat unexpected. What I've lost : - 95% of my sense of humour ( yes, I will stick to the British spelling, thank you very much) - My sense of perspective - My almost life-long streak of never having seen what 3:30 AM look...

My dear darling LB : You are five months old already! That is *incredible*. When I think of around this time last year when your dad and I just found out that we were pregnant, it seems unbelievable that a year has flown by already and what was once just a big question and wonder in our thoughts is now a living, thriving little individual. Then again, life before you or at least before the thought of you seems ages ago.  There is *so much* that has happened and that I have experienced in these 5 months that it is beyond me to be able to express all that in words. Some of it, I haven't even fully wrapped my head around. But let's just say this - I wouldn't trade this for the world. It hasn't been all roses and smiles and contented sighs. Turns out that being a parent is like being shown the truest mirror and finding yourself falling severely short of your expectations of yourself - at least that's the way it has been for me. But luckily for me, I've had the mo...

So I have to tell you about last week. After a trying Monday ( I don't remember the exact details but I'm guessing it involved less sleep and more crankiness than usual), I woke up on Tuesday and told myself that it is a brand new day and things will be different. Turns out, I was mostly right. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Here's what happened. It started out innocuously enough. I fed LB, gave her a short amount of time to make sure that food settled in, and chatted happily with her while I strapped her in the car seat. The plan was to take a ~ 3 miles walk in the stroller. I'd mapped out the route and made sure I had everything that I needed. Water - check. Sunglasses - check. Keys, phone, ipod - check, check, check. Pacifier, in case she starts fussing  - check. And LB was consideration herself. She cooed happily at me, smiled and seemed happy with her lot. I took the stroller out first, made sure all the paraphernalia was in place , took LB out in t...

Adventure - yes, I used the right word in my last post. I just needed to add a mis in front - at least, that's how LB (which is how I will be referring to this offspring of mine heretofore) sees it I'm sure. When LB was still baking, everyone would repeat that oft-heard cliche - how having a baby changes everything and how you learn to appreciate the small things in life again. I used to think of these as poetic, philosophic moments - like appreciating a sunset, a warm, sweet-smelling breeze or the morning birdsong. Turns out that's not it at all - it is fantasizing about clipping your toe nails, or being in a clean shower or having enough time to wash all the shampoo off your hair. I realize now that having a baby is a little like having a cold : you know how when your nose is super stuffed up and you are having a tough time drawing a breath from that mountaintop of pillows you made, you want to kick yourself for every non-cold day when you didn't appreciate your n...

And so it is time - to dust off this old blog and start on a new set of adventures. The thing about being in love and in a committed relationship ( at least in the initial stages) is that it opens you up to a lot of weighty emotions - love, concern, anxiety, joy, doubt, etc. These emotions , though wonderful to go through make for a heavy post. Also, relationships are big time-sucks. I know that sounds awful but you know I mean it in a matter-of-fact way, not a complaining/whining way. When I was young and single and foolish  (ok, not so young), I seemed to have the time to do a bunch of random things and more time to talk about all of them. Now, I do some random things, some routine things and some things of more consequence but I'm too busy doing them and am already sharing them with someone along the way so they very rarely make it to the blog. I know, I know - not a big loss for the blogging world.  Anyways, that brings us to this post. Well, L tumbled into our w...

You guys better brace up for this. I am going to speak about something serious for a change. Over the last couple of weeks, an article about Indra Nooyi (the Pepsi CEO) has been doing the rounds on Facebook and other sites. In it, she is quoted as saying : "  I don't think women can have it all. I just don't think so. We pretend we  have  it all. We pretend we  can  have it all." I agree with this statement. I don't think women can have it all. I also don't think men can have it all. In fact, I don't think anyone can have it all. There are just too many things in this world and our minds and desires are not limited by trivialities like time,  distance, energy levels, capabilities, talents, opportunities, etc.  But wait, before you think I'm just pointing out technicalities, let me explain myself further. In the article, Indra talks about an incident when she came home around 10 PM (earlier than her usual time of midnight) and was instructed by he...

It's not everyday that you get a generous amount of paint in you hair. This Sudoku fixation has to stop - it's eating away into my valuable reading time. I think I'm destined to be a permanent amateur. Professional dabbler. One should be paid for that. And that's all I have to say about that. And so to bed.

Today was what folks would call a mixed bag. On the one hand it was a gorgeous sunny day but on the other I worked through lunch and spent most of the day wearing a sweatshirt in my cube because even though we make some of the smartest & highest performing chips in the world, we apparently cannot get the hang of our thermostat settings.  On another hand I broke my resolution to leave work by 5:30 PM (max 6:00 PM) but on yet another hand, I managed to get a 3 miler in after work -  in fact, my fastest since I started running again recently. On the fifth hand I was very excited to finally see buds on my day lilies and Stargazer lilies this morning but on the sixth hand, I spent many anxious moments after I read online that these two kinds of lilies are very toxic for cats. Tangent - you would think that even with intellectual limitations (which I don't believe is true for cats - they know and understand EVERYTHING. They just play dumb), evolution would have taught cats to n...

1. After not having "found the time" to dig up my old resume over my two month sabbatical, I managed to locate it in my Yahoo mail in the last 5 mins before I left work. Says something about motivation, doesn't it? 2. When I stepped out from work in my running clothes, it started drizzling very lightly and I ran scared to the gym to run on the treadmill. 4 miles and 40 mins later, I was sweaty as hell and nursing a blister as I walked out to a breezy, cool, still-very-slightly-drizzling evening. Bad decision all around. 3. For various reasons that we will not get into here I decided to install an IDE that will help me write/build/debug/run C programs efficiently. After abt 30 mins of googling and reading forums,  I decided to install the free Visual Studio Express trial version. After installation, it asked me to register it at Microsoft using a link which I dutifully clicked on. It asked me to log in. I wasn't sure if I had an account so I decided to sign up any...

The sabbatical is over and C & I are back at work. (Well, we've been back for a week now - this is just a much delayed post). It was such a wonderful break. We got to travel across the globe, to the other hemisphere and see wonderful and wondrous sights. Beautiful, sublime, breathtaking, heart-aching, jaw-dropping, eye-filling, sigh-generating, smile-bringing, head-shaking and heart-stopping sights.  Over this time, I did a lot of things that I wanted and many that I didn't expect. I got to experience that happy state where you are glad you traveled and saw/did all the things you saw/did and yet, are happy to be heading back home. I got to be barefoot for 5 days on a remote island in the Pacific. I got to jump from a cable car with a rope tied to my feet and my heart in my mouth. I got to snorkel with dolphins. I spent an inordinate amount of time on my garden (and a corresponding amount of money). I never did paint, unless you count the coat of primer I painted on some of...

Years from now (hopefully), when my wee weary soul finally begins to make its journey over those grey seas, they will rummage through my closets and find all those buttons in my sewing kit. And they'll wonder why they smell like almonds.  To get to the bottom of this mystery, one must travel back a few weeks (from now) - back to India where it all began. (Alternately, they can look on the outside of the box that the buttons are in and figure out that the box held almonds at some point of time). Anyways, let's take the cinematic route. To India - where it all began. We (C,his parents, my parents, and I) flew from Hyderabad to Delhi and back as part of our sightseeing tour. We had paid for snacks along with our tickets (that meal business is a whole another blog) so we got our choice of an assortment of nuts, cookies,etc. So far so good.  But here is the key. These snacks all arrived in cute little tins/boxes instead of the microscopic plastic packages that we're used to i...

This is the prologue. Tomorrow morning, when the cat feeder goes off, my mind will vaguely register that it is just getting to 7 o clock. And that's about it. There will be no attempt to open my eyes, no racking of the brains to remember if I have a 9 AM meeting that I need to prepare for, no pondering on what this week will look like work-wise. Sounds good. Yes, tomorrow will be the official first day of our 8 week sabbatical leave. A suggested that I maintain a log of my time off and write about what I did (or rather, did not do) over the course of these weeks. He said it'll be something to look back and read once I'm back to the daily drudgery. He's a precious sun beam, isn't he? Well, I need very little persuasion to write so I decided to take the opportunity anyways. I'll have to figure out how I handle the whole travel piece but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Folks are often surprised when they find out how domesticated I am - I am not...

There are facts that make you pause. There are facts that make you wonder and change the way you think about things. And then there are facts that turn your world upside down and change your frame of reference for everything.  I came face to face with one such fact today. It was something that I had long suspected but I finally gathered up the courage to face it today. Here it is in  all its stark, cold horror :  I own 21 pairs of shoes. I had to take a deep breath before and after I typed that sentence. 21 pairs. That's one pair more than twenty. That is two tens and another. Painful. It started with organizing some shoes in the living room. C & I bought bought some new shoes - supposedly for all the hiking and walking we intend to do in NZ and they were lying in the living room along with our daily use shoes. I was putting them away in the coat closet and was appalled by the number of shoes already in there. They seem to be multiplying every time I opened...

Let me tell you what I dream about. I dream about leafing through my "Better Homes and Gardens" magazine with nothing else on my mind. I dream about sleeping in and painting in the late morning or early afternoon by a sunny window when the lighting is at its best. I dream of doing Yoga or taking a walk at 4 PM when my energy levels are at their highest. Of sitting down and paying attention to my lunch as I eat it. Of reading in bed. Of noticing the hours of the day pass by. Of not paying attention to time. Of going through and posting my pictures unhurriedly. Of pottering about in the garden and making foolish plans for summer plantings. Of organizing my closet at 11 in the morning because I feel like it. Of not worrying about emails and status reports and meeting deadlines and schedule. Of going to Target or the grocery store at odd hours of the day. Of not rushing through anything and everything. And maybe some hectic travel to far flung & wonderful destinations befor...

New England winters New England has two winters : one is a thing of heart aching beauty - of soft white snow on every tree and branch and fence and post, of warm lights, of bright mornings of blue sky when you can almost touch the crispness in the air, of quiet evenings and empty roads when you can hear the muffled snowfall outside, of warm cider and thick wool coats and bright scarves and hats. Of fields of golden bulrushes and stately evergreens.  Of skiing and snow tubing and perfect Christmas settings. The other is a study of misery. Of dirty black snow and wintry slush. Of late afternoon twilight and biting cold. Of endless snow cleanup and layers of clothes. Of empty trees and not enough sun. Of salt everywhere - on the roads, on your soles, on your floor. And the long long wait for warm outdoors. The Moment I had one of those moments today. It happened at a stop sign close to home as I got in the car and drove to the bus station.  The part of my brain that is al...

Where did the carefree days go? Now, if I spend an evening just watching TV and reading, I feel like like I'm forgetting something or just plain guilty. Anyways, here I am. You'll be happy to know that even though I haven't been working out as much as I'd hoped or writing as much,  I am making reasonable progress on the other items on the year's bucket list.  C & I have the basic planning for the India trip done and I finally re-started Slaughterhouse Five ( I started this a loong time ago, read about 10 pages and then got distracted). Aaaand, I actually made a couple of new recipes this year - a veggie pasta (with much help from C) and a white-radish-and-fenugreek-leaves recipe, all by my self.  I think I am taking after my Mom in making random recipes up based on what veggies we have at home. Of course, I have a secret power she didn't - Google! I should tell you about the very nice day I had last week. I had a bad cold and sore throat and decided to ...

And so it begins. I was reading an article a few days ago which talked about some studies on happiness. These psychologists found that happiness depends on three basic needs being met - autonomy, competence and relatedness. (We clearly don't see eye to eye , me and the psychologists, 'cause I think the basic needs are 70 degree weather, dark chocolate and high speed internet). So I spent some time ruminating on this. I don't think I would have picked such a mundane set of words but it actually makes a lot of sense. At least, when I think of it in the context of work. You see, I've been spending a lot of time wondering what it is that I want out of my work life/career - mostly because I need to be in unending meetings with excruciating people who's only agenda seems to be to get me to snap. And now that I think about it, these precisely are the characteristics I'd look for in any endeavor that I need to spend 8 hours of my day on : - Autonomy : I want to have...